I've not posted because frankly, I'm stressed beyond belief. Matthew's behavior has been HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE--to say the least! When he doesn't get what he wants, and he wants a lot, he throws temper tantrums. The other day Dave took him out of the hotel and Matthew screamed for about an hour. During that time he threw his socks in the river and just basically made himself very unlikeable.
Yesterday he stole AGAIN from another store. What made it so bad was that he mad a BIG show of pulling out his pockets to indicate that he didn't take anything. However, he had some trading cards stuffed into waistband of his shorts. I was LIVID when I found them. I marched him right back to the store, gave them to the shopkeeper and ask her to please be stern with him; she would not be. Oh how frustrating. I even stopped a policeman to see if he spoke english--he did not!
At meals Matthew continues to eat like he is an animal--to put it bluntly. He yells and demands that we get things for him. I now just remove him from the restaurant. Yesterday he didn't think I was serious and stomped back to the table and demanded more food. I promptly removed him again and made him stay away for awhile!
Today has been a bit better. He made a big show of allowing the girls to get on the elevator first instead of pushing his way in front of them, he only yelled twice in the restaurant and I removed him once. The only time he had a behavior issue is when he was in the bank with David. The security guard had to speak with him because he was crying and whining.
The girls and I were in the store across the street and I would not allow Matthew into the shop. He did not like it but the shopkeeper (the first one Matthew stole from) gave him a stern talking to.
I know I'm being very hard on him but feel that is my only recourse due to the lack of communication. Last evening we had our guide speak to Matthew but he didn't respond at all. He had his head down but I'm not sure what that means.
On a more positive note, we went to the safari park and had a good time. The kids loved the animals and got to feed a giraffe--that was a treat! We could have spent the day there it was that big and full of wonderful animals to see. Matthew behaved there but he was able to run and there were no real "rules".
Today we leave to Hong Kong after the swearing in ceremony. I'm dreading the trip but hopefully it will turn out OK. I'm just ready to get on the plane home. We need to get Matthew into the US, into a routine so he can start the process of changing his behaviors.
Dave and I decided that we will not keep him out of school until after the holidays. He needs to be in school immediately, with the routines that go along with it. It is going to be VERY HARD for him but it is in his best interest. Keeping him out of school will only reinforce the "unreality" of life with his family. Right now we are on a HUGE VACATION and he has no structure. Oh boy just wait until he finds out what life is REALLY like; responsibilities and structure!
I have to say my positive attitude is just about shot. My goal right now is to preserve my sanity, and try to remember that I am Matthew's mother but I don't have to like him right now.
7 comments:
I am sorry you are stressing right now. I feel bad for Matthew. The poor guy has been living in an orphanage all his life, is leaving the only home he ever has known and is with strangers that he is getting to know. No offense but I would hate for him to read this blog when he gets older. It offends me. I totally understand that this is so frustrating but I feel bad for him. Kids only do these things when they are acting out because of their circumstances. I just think it is sad really. This is the first blog I read that is so negative about a precious little boy you are bringing home.
I don't think having such strict punishment right off the bat is incorporating a nurturing relationship. I can't believe you say you, "marched him right back in there" and even went to a policeman. Wow, I pray for patience for you. Kids have a way of getting to us but geez this poor little guy has been through so much. Strict punishment is not always the answer, for the first week of being with a child who has only lived in an orphanage and is getting to know his boundarie. I agree with the first poster as well. Hopefully when you get back to the states things will get better.
Lori
Oh, I hope the anonymous poster has been there and done that, in order to spew such unkind words for a wonderful family. This family has been trying to teach Matthew how to behave, and that there are rules to follow. They also have to worry about keeping him safe, and keeping their 3 girls safe. His behavior has not always reflected that. If a child does something wrong, such as steal, and it is explained to him by several others, in Chinese, and he says he understands that. When it happens again a few days later, only this time he hides his goods down his pants, while he shows you his pockets are empty, well, that's a child that knows he's doing the wrong thing. Is it really in his best interest to ignore the behavior, and not have consequences? He was just taken back to the store and told to apologize, which we will do with 2 year olds that do that, won't we? He's also being hugged and kissed, but just not when he's behaving inappropriately. That would be sending the wrong message. Of course he's going through a lot. Should he be given no boundaries or consequences now, and once back in the US start following acceptable behavior?
I know how they are feeling. I've been there. These are wonderful, loving parents and kids. They have all been sick on this trip and have been put in a challenging situation in a foreign country. Next time, sign your name or keep your comments to yourself.
My dear and wonderful Tina - I believe in you. And, I believe in Matthew. Take a few breaths. Keep loving him. All things with time and faith. I have absolute confidence in your family -- including Matthew! Love from Colorado, Holly
Even though I have not "been there and done that", I completely agree with and applaud Nancy's posting. I cannot begin to imagine what this is like. I also fully support my sister, Tina. This is real life, and a challenging one right now. Further, no one is perfect, and this family is doing the best they can under the circumstances. Matthew is being loved and will continue to be loved. I believe right now is called "tough love". Tina and David obviously have done the right thing with Grace and Analiese, who are two of the most beautiful, happy, loved and well-mannered children I know, despite their rough beginnings in Chinese orphanages. God bless you all!
Sorry to hear you guys are struggling. Hoping and praying for you all to have a good time in Hong Kong as originally planned. You both are the perfect fit to be Matthew's parents. Keep believing in yourselves :)
Dave and Tina,
Kim, Sheridan and I are praying for you all. Some people who have not been there try to put themselves in the child's shoes. These folks don't want to parent, but to be the child's Best Friend. Children need structure and it is not easy at times as we are learning with our little guy.
I appreciate your honesty and would have no doubt that Mathew will come around. We will continue to pray that this happens soon and that he gets the structure that he needs and so obviously has not had. He soon will realize the depth and breadth of your love for him.
I am sure that he will see these posts as a part of joining his forever family. Sometimes you have to see where you began to understand how far you have come.
Michael
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