Journey to My Children

The journey to my children has been different for each of them. 

 For Sarah, I waited for what seemed like forever, and had given up believing that I would ever become a mother.  Dave, on the other hand, always said that it was in God's hands and that when it was supposed to happen it would.  (What a smart man I married!).  

After 11 years of waiting (and riding on the infertility coaster), a failed adoption,  3 months of bedrest and 35 hours of labor I was blessed with my miracle, my princess, Sarah!  

After 3 more years of trying to have another baby, I accepted that Sarah was to be my only child.  We donated, sold and otherwise disposed of all of the baby things; highchair, infant seats, clothes and monitors.  However, when it came time to get rid of the crib I just could not do it, and that is when I knew that my next daughter was in China.  Dave, however, was not as convinced.  The more we talked about it, the more open Dave was to the idea.  Finally he, too, agreed that we had a child waiting for us in china.  

Ah, but China had imposed a quota system and every agency that I researched, seemed not to have any available slots.  After weeks of investigating we found our perfect fit; Stefani and Children's House International!  Our journey had begun to Grace!  

After 4 months of paperchasing we sent off our dossier requesting our 18 month or younger little girl and settled in for our wait.  There wasn't an "estimated due date" given, I didn't go to the doctor each month and there weren't any physical signs that our Grace was ready to join our family.  I anxiously read the APC daily and awaited referrals each month, knowing that with each one we were one step closer.

  We followed the SARS outbreak, nervous that it would affect adoptions.  Eight months into our wait our fears came to be; SARS shut down all adoptions out of China!  No one had any information, the Chinese did not even know what was going to happen.  

For almost 3 months we scoured the newspapers, and listened to newscasts hoping to hear that the SARS epidemic was under control.  With each area in China being declared SARS free we celebrated, until China finally opened up the adoptions.

During the long wait we had our house built, decorated the nursery, stocked up on new baby items and I made a life-long friend, Nancy Brown,  from our waiting group.

Then almost at our year anniversary of our dossier going to China, we received word that Stefani had gotten some advanced information about our referral.  Why did she get advance notice?  Because we had been matched with a little girl who was out of our requested age range.  Rather than having a baby we had a toddler!  She was 27 months old and she was our GRACE!!!  

Stefani was so cautious for fear that we would be disappointed that we didn't get our baby.  But we were ecstatic, we couldn't wait to get our little girl.  

Finally after 4 months of paperchasing and 13 months of waiting we boarded the plane to China.  The trip is so clear in my mind.  I will never, ever forget the phone call informing us that our "baby" had arrived and we were going to get her a day early, the knock on the door and that sweet little angel walking into our hotel room.

The emotion  was no different when I picked Grace up then it was when the delivery room nurse put Sarah into my arms.  I was IN LOVE!

Fast forward a year and Dave and I started the discussion about returning to China for a second time; this time we knew we wanted a toddler--no babies for us!  However, when we approached Stefani  she put it bluntly, "there are no guarantees that you will get the age you request.  Who knows, this time you will request a toddler and get a baby!"  

That stopped us in our tracks.  We KNEW that our family needed a toddler.  We debated back and forth on what to do.  Stefani, in the meantime, sent us the password  for the new list of waiting children and that began our journey to Analiese!

Once we saw the beautiful children on the waiting list Dave and I, for the first time, discussed the possibility of bringing home a child labeled "special needs".  We saw that some of the kids had very minor needs,  others had needs that were more serious and some had very serious needs.  We researched each of the needs and decided what we could handle.  The need of cleft lip/cleft palate was one I was sure I could not handle.  I wasn't even able to view the photos of these children, it broke my heart so much.

So, when "list 11" came out, we excitedly looked at each child.  Looking back at us was this sweet little girl, almost 3 years old.  She had such a serious face with the most beautiful bow lips that we knew must turn into a fabulous smile.  There was our daughter!  Her need?  Cleft palate!  At that minute it didn't matter, I knew that whatever her need was we were going to have the ability to handle it.  

Our journey to Analiese started in April and 7 months later, in November we had her in our arms.  Once again, everything is so clear.  The moment at the civil affairs office when the director Mrs. Wu, arrived, WITHOUT Analiese, the confusion and eventually tears afterward.  But most of all, I remember walking off the elevator at the hotel and seeing my daughter in the lobby.  My heart skipped a beat and then she was handed to me.  She immediately said, "Hi Momma" and my heart burst!  Once again, the love that I felt had absolutely NOTHING to do with being pregnant or giving birth.  It was all about being a mom, being Analiese's forever mom!

Transitioning our family with Analiese was a major challenge.  She was a handful; more than we had ever had to deal with.  We were just exhausted.  When others would ask if we were going to adopt again I told them that Analiese was God's way of saying we were done, our family was complete.  Our social worker on our 12 month post placement visit said that "Analiese was the period in the sentence"!  How appropriate we thought.  

Oh, but God had another plan for us.  

Every time a new waiting list came out for our agency, I always, always, always looked at the children.  It was exciting to see the new little ones that were finally going to have a family.  I would call to Dave to come and see a child that I found particularly attracted to; his response was always the same, NO MORE CHILDREN!  Even though I looked, I felt the same.  With a full time job, 3 kids and activities for each of them, my plate was full.

However, somewhere along the way, I started to feel that I wanted a son.  I would see little boys and find a smile playing on my lips.  I would get teary eyed reading about how boys just loved their mommas unconditionally and nothing was better than being adored by a son.  I started looking at the waiting boys differently, I even, jokingly, would ask Dave didn't he want another boy?  His response was always the same, NO!  I was convinced that if a boy wasn't meant for our family then I must be meant to advocate for them.  Why else would I have such a strong pull?

That's what I started to do.  So when Stefani emailed that a little boy's file was soon to be returned to the Chinese, without a family, I immediately went to his information.  I barely had looked at this boy when his file first arrived 6 months prior.  For one, he was way past an age that I was drawn to and secondly his needs sounded frightening. But, I set out to find out as much as I could so I could help advocate for this child.  

Lo and behold, in my search I found out that a collegue of mine (and her daughter) had a need in the same family as this little boy.  She was a wealth of information and with each tidbit I found out, I posted to our agency site, just hoping that someone, somewhere would see that this need was so darn manageable, almost a not a need at all but an inconvenience (in Jamie's words!).  Across town, Dave was doing his own research, he called the national foundation for this particular need and spoke with the director who just happened to know of this little boy.  She provided him with lots and lots of facts and resources.

By the time Dave and I returned home we knew EVERYTHING there was to know about this particular need.  Both of us had come to the conclusion that this particular need wasn't frightening at all but extremely manageable.  Almost at the same time, Dave and I looked at each other and said, "Why don't we bring this boy home, we can be his family."  

At that moment all was right.  This little boy was our son.  For 6 months he sat, waiting for his momma and babba to realize he was waiting for THEM!  Excitedly I emailed Stefani and told her that the Evans' wanted to bring this little boy home.  And thus, began our journey to Matthew!

So, here we are, day 60 of the wait for LOA, a step that has been added since our adoption of Analiese.  We wait to confirm what we told the Chinese government months ago, we are committed to Matthew.  Once we certify that then the Chinese will send us our travel approval and our 3rd trip to China will begin.  

This time we take with us 3 little girls, 2 of which began their lives in China but are now just as American as their Georgia born sister.  It will be an adventure, one that we are VERY anxious to make.  

As hard as I try, I cannot visualize the meeting with my son.  I know that at 3 years old his mother and father walked away from him.  Now at 6, another set of parents, from a place far, far away are coming.  What will his reaction be when he sees us, will he allow me to hug him?  Can I kiss him?  Should I try?  All of these thoughts swirl through my head.  Trying to decide how I will greet him always ends in the same way,  I will greet him as his mother and I will know what to do when the time comes.  As with my 3 daughters, I will be overcome with emotion and will do what feels right.

What I know with certainty is that, I will feel the same love for him at the moment of our meeting as I did with Sarah in the delivery room, with Grace at the Lakeside Hotel in Wenzhou and with Analiese in Chengdu.  That I know for sure.