Thursday, April 15, 2010

Adoption gone wrong

I really was not going to comment on the latest international adoption drama unfolding. However, having gone through a disruption in our adoption less than a year ago, I feel that I have more insight than others who just seem to want to cast stones.

I am in no way defending the actions of this mother. I don't believe that any child, no matter what their issues are, deserve to be caste aside without a thought for their welfare.

However, I do understand the desperation that mother must have been feeling. I understand how a child can create havoc, stress and feelings of helplessness. I've lost sleep, felt pushed beyond my limits and felt so alone in my journey.

I can truthfully tell you, based on my own experience and the experiences of people that DID help me through my journey, that receiving help is NOT as easy as it has been presented.

Let me explain what happens if DFACS is called. They won't automatically take the child out of the home unless their evaluation determines that the child is a danger to themselves or others. And if they do take the child, they will very likely take any other children out of your home (because they now believe you are unfit to parent) or they may charge you with neglect. There will certainly be a huge investigation and sometimes, many times, the child is RETURNED to the home!

Now what about the placing adoption agency? In my experience (and others) they are not willing to help at all. My agency representative very rarely answered any of my correspondence and when she did it was to tell me how sorry she was and how she hoped things worked out! My agency was out of state so they really had washed their hands of any responsibility. The agency that did our homestudy also wanted no part of helping us. Fortunately for us, the social worker who did our homestudy for all 3 adoptions took it upon herself, NOT as a representative of the agency, to ask around to families that she knew. That is how we found the family that eventually adopted our son.

Our friends were very emphathetic but could not offer much in the way of guidance. They listened and tried to be supportive. On the other hand, there were many people who just sat in judgement of us, very much like what is happening to this woman.

There are many parallels in our adoption disruption to the current situation unfolding. Our son was also 7 years old. We also received nothing but positive information regarding his behavior. However, immediately in China it became apparent that he had some serious behavioral issues. He was violent, oppositional defiant and very inappropriate with our daughters.

I remember calling our agency from China saying that we did not want to bring him home. For many reasons, lots steeped in guilt, we did bring him home. On 20/20 hindsight that was a huge mistake.

For months we dealt with his anger and tantrums when he did not get his way. School was a nightmare as he was extremely defiant and violent. He struck not only other children, but also his teacher and the school principal. The only reason he was kept at school was because I worked there. That was another issue. I never got a break from the stress as I dealt with it at home and then I dealt with at work.

This is another issue this woman is being investigated for; not having the child enrolled in school. Having made the decision to enroll our son immediately in school and everyone suffering the consequences of that choice, I would recommend to anyone who asked, that the better choice is keep the child out of school for at least 6 months. I so understand why that woman may have tried to homeschool the child.

Our decision to disrupt our adoption was not made lightly nor was it made because we were not committed to our son. It was made because we realized that our entire family was suffering and our girls were constantly in danger. Yes, in danger. I won't go into the specifics but we were on constant watch and could never, ever let our guard down. The toll that hyper-vigalence had on us was horrible.

Once again, this post is not meant to justify what this woman did. However, it is meant to give a little insight into the reality of the lack of options that parents have when an adoption goes wrong. There are many adoptive families who will say that they went through stress and transitional issues with their adoptive child. But, with patience and love their child eventually adjusted. I would respectfully explain to them that their comparison is likened to comparing apples to oranges! We, too, went through the transitional issues with our first two adoptions! The issues we dealt with our son were very different. They were not transitional issues but were issues more associated with an emotional disability. There is a huge difference in the two.

Before our disruption I could not have imagined how anyone could re-home their adopted child. But now? I realize that our intentions of giving a home to an orphan did not have to turn into a life sentence for our family.

My heart goes out to this poor woman. I don't believe she is crazy nor do I believe she is unfeeling. From what I read she is a nurse, by nature she is a helper of people. I choose to believe that she found herself in a situation that she could see no end to. If given the opportunity, I would wrap my arms around this woman and hug her. It is not my place to judge her, that is left up to our God.

53 comments:

me said...

You are a blessing, thank you for sharing this part of your life with me today! As we await our adoption agency placing our son with another family it helps to read about someone who went through what we are going through! God is so good sister! Blessings, Nancy Lee

Donna said...

It would be great to hear from this woman and to the fact of if she did or did not seek help for her and her son. The media and her agency has represented that she did not seek any help or ask about the proper procedures for help or obviously a disruption. That is what angers me about the situation.

Just as if any child biological or adopted has any issues you deal with them in the proper way (just as your family did). You don't just put a kid on plane, or just drop your bio kid back of at the hospital when you decide you can't handle them.

Hopefully "some" good will come out of this ordeal. Maybe agencies will take more care in helping families when they come home, maybe others will see that adoption is not just a big fairy tale, maybe parents currently in a desperate situation will learn more about their options. I don't know, but hopefully something positive will happen. Unfortunately all I see right now is ALL of the negative coming out of her actions.

Thank you for posting and being honest. As I always say, tell it like it is so others can be educated!!

Kim said...

Great post, Tina. I agree with all that Donna said and your post will be a comfort to those who are or might be going through a disruption.

Shari U said...

Wow, good post, Tina. I didn't know you had 2nd thoughts about even bringing Matthew home from China. I can remember reading your blog while you were there, though and wondering if maybe you were in over your heads. I'm sorry it all turned out the way it did, I hope your family is healing. We all have strong emotions regarding this issue, but you're right that God will judge us all, not only for our actions, but for our judgment of others, as well. We need to all keep in mind that "There but for the grace of God, go I". Obviously that mom was deeply hurting, maybe she didn't handle it exactly the right way, but perhaps she just didn't know where to turn. You shed some good insight on the attitude of our adoption agencies and their role (or not) in disruption. I had always just assumed they'd be there no matter what. Thanks for your thoughts on this.

Anonymous said...

I found this very interesting to read. We adopted a 9 year old boy from China 6 months ago. It is not going well although we have not yet considered a disruption. He is a horrible sexist. Treats me like a servant. He has told my husband point blank that he has respect for him and not for me. He is horrible to our daugther and she does not like him (rips treats out of her hand, pulls her off the toilet while she is going to the bathroom, takes toys from her, trys to correct and discipline her if he sees her doing something she is not suppose to). He also refuses to learn English and most of our communication with him is via a translation program or his Chinese teacher. School is a disater as well. He is 9 but rolls around on the floor disrupting class, pokes his teacher in the belly and laughs at her - it is awful. We are at our wits end what to do with him.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous: We adopted 6 years ago and it has been hell!! I feel like we are in prison in our own home. He steals, lies, cheats, and is very hurtful in his actions and language. We feared for our lives the first 2 1/2 years! I cried every night for years. When I heard about this mother sending her child back to Russia I could really understand what she was going through. Anyone that has not gone through these foreign adoptions have NO idea what we are all going through. He leaves whenever he wants, climbs out the window, won't go to school, a master manipulator and actor!! He even reported "child abuse" which was a lie, we had to pay for attorneys and court costs to prove our innocence, meanwhile he is enjoying all the attention and satisfaction of disrupting our family. It has now been 6 years and things aren't much better. We still have to lock everything up so he doesn't steal or hurt anyone. It's a nightmare and I wish I could wake up from it. I had no idea trying to help another child could be bring such horror!!!
in the lives of everyone he is around.
Good Luck to all of you!!

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