Saturday, November 21, 2009

A hard reality

We were "asked" this week not to have any further contact with Matthew. It seems that our constant contact was causing Matthew to tantrum. The new parents think that less contact with us will allow Matthew to heal.

I actually am quite confused ( just one of the emotions I'm feeling). I guess I would not term our contact with Matthew as "constant". I've seen Matthew once since he left our family in June. We've probably spoken 6 times on the phone. Dave, of course, has seen him a few more times but certainly nothing I would term constant.

We did try to call Matthew the other day to acknowledge the all important day he left the orphanage. We also sent a package of his belongings that we've collected over the weeks. Before that we saw Matthew in the middle of September.

But other than that, a "constant" I will admit to is my constant wondering of WHY God chose us to walk this path. Or maybe my constant thankfulness that our family weathered the journey with Matthew and emerged closer. Or maybe it is the constant affection I feel for a little boy that was once my son.

The explanation we received from the family left Dave and I feeling so many emotions. There is no doubt the the new parents are holding us responsible for Matthew's anger. We know Matthew's anger all too well and know that he came to us with that emotion. He was angry at us for taking him from the orphanage, he was angry at us for not buying him everything he wanted, he was angry at us for not allowing him to do what he wanted, when he wanted, he was angry at us for not being the "rich American parents that would give him everything". Matthew was just angry and we in no way caused it. Did we try to understand and deal with it? Absolutely! Were we successful? A little. But so little that we were fearful that one day we would have a much older, angry child on our hands that we were not prepared to deal with. An angry child who would cause so much more havoc in our family that we were not willing to put our girls through.

I'm sure many of you are wondering--- Then Why do you want to remain in contact with Matthew? There are many reasons. One is that Matthew was a part of our family; a son and a brother. We raised our hand and recited an oath that we would never abandon our son and we intend to keep that oath. We also know that we made a choice to re-home Matthew for the good of our ENTIRE family. But that doesn't mean we loved Matthew any less. We know that Matthew is way too young to understand that what we did was out of love. But when he is older he might understand and we want him to see that we DID NOT abandon him as his first parents did.

We wish the new family much luck with Matthew. Right now they have us to blame for the anger. Later, after we've not had any contact with him? Hopefully they will be able to get to the root of his anger. For now we will respect their wishes and have no contact with Matthew. Hopefully we will, one day, be able to see him again. Until then the constant that will remain is the devotion we feel for a little boy once known as Matthew Qingnan Evans.

4 comments:

Shari U said...

This was an incredibly painful post to read. I remember being there the night at First Friday when we all gathered around your family and we prayed for Matthew and your journey to him. The story has been somewhat difficult to read since the beginning, I know it's been a very hard 2 years for all of you. I have no doubt that you did everything you could for Matthew and the decision to find another home for him couldn't have been easy. It's been really nice of you to share with us the news of Matthew's adoption and his new family. I wish him the very best and I'm really sorry you've been asked to step back. Let's hope it will all work out for the best for Matthew. For your family, I wish you all peace and comfort and a wonderful Thanksgiving week. God bless you.

oakleyses said...

tiffany and co, ugg boots, jordan shoes, jordan pas cher, polo ralph lauren, michael kors pas cher, christian louboutin uk, air max, burberry pas cher, longchamp outlet, christian louboutin outlet, oakley sunglasses, gucci handbags, tiffany jewelry, louboutin pas cher, ray ban sunglasses, christian louboutin, ray ban sunglasses, longchamp outlet, polo outlet, louis vuitton outlet, louis vuitton outlet, prada outlet, louis vuitton outlet, kate spade outlet, uggs on sale, cheap oakley sunglasses, nike free, nike roshe, ugg boots, nike air max, sac longchamp pas cher, nike outlet, polo ralph lauren outlet online, louis vuitton, oakley sunglasses wholesale, christian louboutin shoes, replica watches, tory burch outlet, longchamp outlet, chanel handbags, replica watches, oakley sunglasses, prada handbags, louis vuitton, oakley sunglasses, longchamp pas cher, nike air max, ray ban sunglasses

oakleyses said...

north face outlet, hermes belt, gucci, reebok outlet, longchamp uk, iphone cases, ralph lauren, p90x workout, asics running shoes, soccer jerseys, chi flat iron, mont blanc pens, giuseppe zanotti outlet, converse outlet, herve leger, mac cosmetics, lancel, hollister clothing, bottega veneta, hollister, celine handbags, nfl jerseys, wedding dresses, timberland boots, nike air max, ferragamo shoes, nike air max, insanity workout, nike huaraches, vans outlet, new balance shoes, ghd hair, soccer shoes, oakley, abercrombie and fitch, mcm handbags, babyliss, baseball bats, north face outlet, lululemon, vans, hollister, beats by dre, valentino shoes, ray ban, instyler, louboutin, jimmy choo outlet, nike roshe run, nike trainers uk

oakleyses said...

moncler, canada goose, louis vuitton, doudoune moncler, louis vuitton, juicy couture outlet, toms shoes, juicy couture outlet, moncler outlet, pandora jewelry, canada goose outlet, canada goose, coach outlet, swarovski crystal, ugg,uggs,uggs canada, canada goose jackets, moncler uk, lancel, pandora uk, swarovski, moncler, moncler, pandora charms, moncler outlet, ugg pas cher, hollister, wedding dresses, canada goose outlet, links of london, canada goose, marc jacobs, thomas sabo, ugg uk, supra shoes, replica watches, moncler, louis vuitton, ugg, louis vuitton, canada goose outlet, louis vuitton, canada goose uk, karen millen uk, montre pas cher, ugg,ugg australia,ugg italia, pandora jewelry