Adoption gone wrong

I really was not going to comment on the latest international adoption drama unfolding. However, having gone through a disruption in our adoption less than a year ago, I feel that I have more insight than others who just seem to want to cast stones.

I am in no way defending the actions of this mother. I don't believe that any child, no matter what their issues are, deserve to be caste aside without a thought for their welfare.

However, I do understand the desperation that mother must have been feeling. I understand how a child can create havoc, stress and feelings of helplessness. I've lost sleep, felt pushed beyond my limits and felt so alone in my journey.

I can truthfully tell you, based on my own experience and the experiences of people that DID help me through my journey, that receiving help is NOT as easy as it has been presented.

Let me explain what happens if DFACS is called. They won't automatically take the child out of the home unless their evaluation determines that the child is a danger to themselves or others. And if they do take the child, they will very likely take any other children out of your home (because they now believe you are unfit to parent) or they may charge you with neglect. There will certainly be a huge investigation and sometimes, many times, the child is RETURNED to the home!

Now what about the placing adoption agency? In my experience (and others) they are not willing to help at all. My agency representative very rarely answered any of my correspondence and when she did it was to tell me how sorry she was and how she hoped things worked out! My agency was out of state so they really had washed their hands of any responsibility. The agency that did our homestudy also wanted no part of helping us. Fortunately for us, the social worker who did our homestudy for all 3 adoptions took it upon herself, NOT as a representative of the agency, to ask around to families that she knew. That is how we found the family that eventually adopted our son.

Our friends were very emphathetic but could not offer much in the way of guidance. They listened and tried to be supportive. On the other hand, there were many people who just sat in judgement of us, very much like what is happening to this woman.

There are many parallels in our adoption disruption to the current situation unfolding. Our son was also 7 years old. We also received nothing but positive information regarding his behavior. However, immediately in China it became apparent that he had some serious behavioral issues. He was violent, oppositional defiant and very inappropriate with our daughters.

I remember calling our agency from China saying that we did not want to bring him home. For many reasons, lots steeped in guilt, we did bring him home. On 20/20 hindsight that was a huge mistake.

For months we dealt with his anger and tantrums when he did not get his way. School was a nightmare as he was extremely defiant and violent. He struck not only other children, but also his teacher and the school principal. The only reason he was kept at school was because I worked there. That was another issue. I never got a break from the stress as I dealt with it at home and then I dealt with at work.

This is another issue this woman is being investigated for; not having the child enrolled in school. Having made the decision to enroll our son immediately in school and everyone suffering the consequences of that choice, I would recommend to anyone who asked, that the better choice is keep the child out of school for at least 6 months. I so understand why that woman may have tried to homeschool the child.

Our decision to disrupt our adoption was not made lightly nor was it made because we were not committed to our son. It was made because we realized that our entire family was suffering and our girls were constantly in danger. Yes, in danger. I won't go into the specifics but we were on constant watch and could never, ever let our guard down. The toll that hyper-vigalence had on us was horrible.

Once again, this post is not meant to justify what this woman did. However, it is meant to give a little insight into the reality of the lack of options that parents have when an adoption goes wrong. There are many adoptive families who will say that they went through stress and transitional issues with their adoptive child. But, with patience and love their child eventually adjusted. I would respectfully explain to them that their comparison is likened to comparing apples to oranges! We, too, went through the transitional issues with our first two adoptions! The issues we dealt with our son were very different. They were not transitional issues but were issues more associated with an emotional disability. There is a huge difference in the two.

Before our disruption I could not have imagined how anyone could re-home their adopted child. But now? I realize that our intentions of giving a home to an orphan did not have to turn into a life sentence for our family.

My heart goes out to this poor woman. I don't believe she is crazy nor do I believe she is unfeeling. From what I read she is a nurse, by nature she is a helper of people. I choose to believe that she found herself in a situation that she could see no end to. If given the opportunity, I would wrap my arms around this woman and hug her. It is not my place to judge her, that is left up to our God.