A hard reality

We were "asked" this week not to have any further contact with Matthew. It seems that our constant contact was causing Matthew to tantrum. The new parents think that less contact with us will allow Matthew to heal.

I actually am quite confused ( just one of the emotions I'm feeling). I guess I would not term our contact with Matthew as "constant". I've seen Matthew once since he left our family in June. We've probably spoken 6 times on the phone. Dave, of course, has seen him a few more times but certainly nothing I would term constant.

We did try to call Matthew the other day to acknowledge the all important day he left the orphanage. We also sent a package of his belongings that we've collected over the weeks. Before that we saw Matthew in the middle of September.

But other than that, a "constant" I will admit to is my constant wondering of WHY God chose us to walk this path. Or maybe my constant thankfulness that our family weathered the journey with Matthew and emerged closer. Or maybe it is the constant affection I feel for a little boy that was once my son.

The explanation we received from the family left Dave and I feeling so many emotions. There is no doubt the the new parents are holding us responsible for Matthew's anger. We know Matthew's anger all too well and know that he came to us with that emotion. He was angry at us for taking him from the orphanage, he was angry at us for not buying him everything he wanted, he was angry at us for not allowing him to do what he wanted, when he wanted, he was angry at us for not being the "rich American parents that would give him everything". Matthew was just angry and we in no way caused it. Did we try to understand and deal with it? Absolutely! Were we successful? A little. But so little that we were fearful that one day we would have a much older, angry child on our hands that we were not prepared to deal with. An angry child who would cause so much more havoc in our family that we were not willing to put our girls through.

I'm sure many of you are wondering--- Then Why do you want to remain in contact with Matthew? There are many reasons. One is that Matthew was a part of our family; a son and a brother. We raised our hand and recited an oath that we would never abandon our son and we intend to keep that oath. We also know that we made a choice to re-home Matthew for the good of our ENTIRE family. But that doesn't mean we loved Matthew any less. We know that Matthew is way too young to understand that what we did was out of love. But when he is older he might understand and we want him to see that we DID NOT abandon him as his first parents did.

We wish the new family much luck with Matthew. Right now they have us to blame for the anger. Later, after we've not had any contact with him? Hopefully they will be able to get to the root of his anger. For now we will respect their wishes and have no contact with Matthew. Hopefully we will, one day, be able to see him again. Until then the constant that will remain is the devotion we feel for a little boy once known as Matthew Qingnan Evans.