Once again we find ourselves moving forward after a stressful situation that could have ended in crisis! I really am glad that I listened to my instincts and acted on what seemed to be pushing the envelope with Matthew.
After our lengthy and honest discussions with Matthew he really opened up and shed some light on his time in the orphanage. Because of his admissions, some pieces of his life puzzle have fallen into place and given us, once again, a path to take in helping him become the little boy he wants to be (and we want him to be).
By opening the door for him, Matthew faced his fear of returning to China. He not only was able to verbalize that he did not want to go back to Xiamen but he was able to put into words why. By putting those feelings into words he made the first step, I believe, in allowing himself to heal. When he shared with us and we reacted with love and understanding it took the power the fears had over him.
In his sharing with us, we were able to reassure him that he not only had control of his choices but that we wanted him to be a part of our family!
The trust that he found with us this past weekend was tremendous! It has given him a determination that we've not seen. He learned his phone number this weekend---"MY phone number" he says. He received a 91% on a math test that he took without assistance. He worked really hard on place value and can identify up to the thousands place, got a 100% on his spelling test and the best part? He is learning and putting into practice some of the strategies for spelling I've been trying to teach him for weeks!!!
His teachers have commented on how engaged Matthew has been and a difference they can't put a finger on! If they were to ask Matthew what has happened he would answer, "I'm in Mommy and Daddy's heart"! That is what Matthew has learned.
Do I believe that all is well and we will have no more situations that we will have to address? Heck no! But I do believe that Matthew gave us some valuable insights. I feel good that we are moving in the right direction. I once again have been able to affirm to myself how important it is that I go with my instincts.
For those of you who think you know better; you don't. For those of you who continue to support and love us, thank you. Parenting is hard but it is the thing that we are most committed to. I am proud of my children and love watching them grow and make decisions that they are proud of! I am pleased to see how they live using the foundation we've worked hard at giving them; responsibility, respect (for themselves and others), giving back and helping others, having empathy and not sitting in judgement of others and knowing that they are loved no matter what.
6 comments:
Tina ... I am so glad I found your blog! I have been thinking about you and your family a lot lately and wondering how things are going. I was at Chinese School on Sunday and waited to ask Susan how you all are doing but ended up not getting to talk with her.
I think about your sweet family and I am so glad to have found you. I read back through your blog tonight and feel "caught up". You're doing a great parenting job - don't ever doubt it. It seems that Matthew is making wonderful progress. You truly are a special family.
Candis
Mom to Anna and Lily
Tina and Dave- I haven't checked for awhile- things get so hectic here and I seem to be running from the time I get up until I fall into bed each night. This has been a traumatic year for our entire family, as well- the addition of my intense, controlling, loving, headstrong, brilliant, anxious and angry Xiamen son has kept me on my toes. It sounds like Malone has been dealing with some of the same issues as Matthew, but is just a few months ahead in his process since he has been here longer. Malone had a difficult summer, to say the least, and had become a "glass is half empty" kind of guy, who provoked, complained, tantrummed, and the measured the actions of everyone in his search for unfairness. He exhausted me and pushed every button he could find. I set some very firm limits with him and he had some strong consequences (never physical) for his behaviors, but it has paid off with him finally accepting that I will be his mom forever, that I truly love him and want the best for him, and that I am never going to send him back. With resolve to some of his anxiety, came what I think is a healthy longing for some of what he left behind (rather than a loathing of his previous life). He misses Matthew and talks about him alot, although it sounds like they fought alot.
It's been a difficult time but also one of the most rewarding times of my life.
Having dealt with attachment and grief issues with one of my daughters, who was 3.5 years old at the time of her adoption, I had some experience with some of Malone's issues. The intensity of his process is many, many times greater than hers was, probably made bigger by his intelligence and a failed foster placement. I am so grateful to be moving past some of his acting out behaviors but feel that therapy will be part of Malone's life for several years.
Anyway, all this to say that I truly do have some idea of how our boys can up-end our lives. Thanks for being the committed and caring parents you are and for always giving him such loving and strong boundaries. The world is a better place as a result of Matthew's successes.
Love,
Lynn (and Malone)
Tina, I'm not sure what happened to your last post about Matthew. I read it and I really felt for both you and Dave and for Matthew. I know this has been a difficult transition, but it seems to me that you're doing a terrific job with him. I'm very happy to hear that you've made some inroads with him and that his behavior is improving as well as his understanding of what it takes to be a family. I think you and Dave are outstanding parents who discipline with love and I'm confident you'll do (and are doing) the right thing for your son. God bless you.
Glad to hear Matthew is progressing nicely. Moms ALWAYS know best :)
I'm so glad you're seeing progress. This journey is exactly that. You're a great mom and a great friend. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
Tina~ I am so happy to hear about your breakthrough with Matthew. Your last post--the one you took down--had me worried. My kids, too, have had tough adjustments. It can be so hard for everybody! As parents, all we can do is the best we can do.
One mistake I've made as a parent is not seeking outside help and support when things were really, really hard. It kinda sounded to me like you were there. I'm sorry if I jumped to conclusions. I'm sorry if my personal e-mail to you was too intrusive. I really am. I hope you can accept my sincere apology.
For what it's worth, and whether you believe me or not, I am NOT one of those who thinks I know better. I am only human too. And I recognized your situation, because I have been there with my kids, too... in that spot where you wonder, "Well, what else can I do to get through to this child?"
I really, truly, wish you and your whole beautiful family well.
Two of my kiddos have been two steps forward, one step back with their attachment, and Matthew may be the same way. But the general direction of the progress is forward.
Keep the faith and now that people out there care about you, all of you!
Sincerely,
Kelly
Mom to YuYu, Caleb, Amelia, Samantha, and Mark
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