Having children is harder for some than for others. Some couples decide it's time to start a family and a pregnancy they celebrate in no time at all. For others they try and try and try and then they try some more. A handful will find success and cherish the life they've created, while others continue on in the quest to have a family.
Adoption used to be the option that only those left still searching chose to start their family with. But now that isn't the case. Adoption is no longer the "second best choice"; it's now a first choice, an additional choice and yes, an only choice for some.
Our family decided on our first adoption for different reasons then our second and eventually our third. With each experience we've learned more and more. But some things have been constant; adoption is a leap of faith, a calling and it NEVER turns out the way you envision it will.
With Grace, we expected a baby and got a toddler, with Analiese we looked forward to the smooth experience we had with Grace but soon learned that all is not as it seems and finally with Matthew we were (and continue to be) challenged beyond anything we could imagine.
I say all of this because I have learned of a family who planned, dreamed and prepared for their toddler from China. They educated themselves to this child's physical needs, possible issues and prepared the other children in the family. However, when they got to their child's country nothing was what they prepared for. Oh the physical needs of their child existed but they found emotional, and adjustment issues they, as a unit, a family, felt they could not handle.
In grief and in shame they chose to leave this child behind and not bring them home. They believed the issues were mountainous and were not willing to possibly disrupt their existing family to provide a family for this new child. For everyone it has been an emotional rollercoaster and a loss that will take time to heal.
I post about this because so many people venture onto this road of adoption and only see the rosy view. They don't expose themselves to "dark side" and if they happen to hear of a story, like the one above they discount it as "something that could NEVER happen to us". Well it does happen and when it does, the more prepared you are, the more support you have the more likely it is the situation will turn out to be positive.
So, if you are on the adoption road and find yourself surrounded by only the positive side, I urge you to seek out the other side. You'll be glad that you did. Because when you are faced with the challenges your new child will bring, (and you WILL, trust me) you have some things in your "bag of tricks" and be able to face it head on.
Please pray for the above mentioned family. They are hurting and need our support.
9 comments:
So sorry to hear about that family. I am sure it is the toughest decision they have ever had to make. I will pray for them and of course for the one that was left behind.
Adopting a child is the easy part
Adjusting- bonding - is when the true labor pains begin.
For some labor is fast and easy- no problems
Others- well long and extremely difficult
In the end the HOPE is for a healthy happy loving relationship with your child.
I know you are on your way to this with Matthew- but don't you wish they had an epidural to mute a little of the pain and struggle. Thank you for sharing your story-
I will pray for the family and the toddler. Sometime families do not feel equipped to handle severe issues. God be with them to soothe their souls.
Liz
We are the family to whom Tina refers. We are especially hurting now from the wave of cruel and relentless comments being made about us all throughout the adoption community. This information was not shared by us with anyone but close friends and family and, of course, our adoption agency contact. She shared our personal information with other waiting families and adoptive parents. This has resulted in a wave of people slamming us across the internet on list serves and blogspots. They know nothing of us or our child that we had to leave behind. They know nothing of our pain or his pain losing his foster parents. They know nothing but feel entitled enough to make sure everyone knows to come after us and attack us for what they perceive was a wrongdoing. Hatefulness and superiority from others in the Chinese adoption community is all we are feeling.
Tina - Your post was beautiful, kind, and thoughtful. I am so proud to be a friend to one of such character. I stand beside Krista and her family, and extend a hand of friendship and a willing ear to her. Her heart must be broken. While this situation is certainly hard to face and understand. It is not MY situation. I do not know the details or truths. And, I do not need to! I know Krista from her many posts to our agency list, and I stand beside her, willing to listen as she works through this. Much love to Tina and Krista, -Holly in Colorado, Mom to 3 from Jiangxi (including 2 from our mutual agency)
Tine, thank you for speaking about what some think unspeakable. It is so important to be prepared for whatever may happen, and yet, I found that though we were prepared it was still incredibly difficult.
My prayers are with this family and their difficult choice and with all families facing the less rosy part of the adoption journey.
Hi to John and Krista,
I don't know your situation, and I don't need to.
What I do know is that, after going through the paperwork, the time, the financial commitment,and the heartache of international adoption, no one disrupts without a good reason.
My heart goes out to you.
Have you seen this new site? afterstories.blogspot.com/
There's a story there you might like to read.
To Rebecca,
Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this info with us. We appreciate your kindness at this very difficult time.
Sincerely,
Krista
Hi Tina,
Just wanted to say thanks for being a constant out there and for helping us find some peace.
Krista
Tina, thank you for pointing out to the world that preparation and a true heart of commitment is what it takes to be an adoptive parent. Most of us have children brought to us who are grieving beyond belief for their nannies or their foster parents. They have no idea who we are, what we are saying, or what is happening to them. We all must know this is a normal reaction for these children. It is so important to know this side of adoption before blindly entering it only expecting love and hugs and rosy, happy times. Grief is hard and ugly. It is not something these kids will overcome in the first few days they are united with their adoptive families. This family you mentionned was not prepared to help this child through his grief, and that is very, very sad. Your message is so true and is so needed in the adoption community. BE PREPARED.... grief is ugly. Adoption is not always easy, in fact it is probably never easy. But please, please be prepared and brace your heart to be committed to a child in pain and in need. Thanks for your honesty, Tina!
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